Monday, October 31, 2005

happs h-ween

hope that you had a lovely activity-based weekend, if that's in fact what you were after. today's the real day, and i'm spending a scaaarrryyy eveniiiing with ex-roombo, megan o'neill, watching movies and making cupcakes.

happy sights over the weekend included:
mork (sans mindo)
janet leigh in psycho (shower curtain and all)
the hottest indiana jones i've ever seen, indiana jones included (who is hot)
the bunny from donny darko (creeps)
substitute teacher (kick me sign, paper airplane in hair)

on saturday night, i skipped the ubiqutious improv party and went to an old-school haunted house with a few friends. it was some of the most fun i've had in recent memory.

i don't scare easily (i think this is addressed in the corn-maze post), but i sure did on saturday. this house had it all - an asylum, a clown room, a deliverance/children of the corn room, a haunted elevator, a pit of darkness, a matrix-y mechanical room, and an alien vortex - you had to walk through a funhouse rotating tube in blacklight, except the bridge was lopsided too. (just thinking about it makes me want to barf. at one point, common sense overtook and i screamed "CLOSE YOUR EYES!"; we think that's the only thing that got us through.)

something funny about being scared -beside the fact that people pay for the feeling - is that part of your real personality comes out when you get there. robyn norris, one of the house-ees, was the perfect scare. she had the horror film high-pitched yelp, and cowered in corners and jumped into arms. i found out when i'm scared, i get really indignant and angry. at one point a hunchbacked man came up to me with some kind of saudering tool, and scraped the grated floor with it so sparks flew EVERYWHERE, in a trail. he growled and gave me creep face. scared, i defensively barked "why would you do that?!", followed by "what is this supposed to mean to me?! am i supposed to follow you?!?", and he smiled a little and nodded his head. now that line has made me the mockery of my friends.

it's gotta say something about you, the way you act when terrified.
at least i didn't piss myself.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

(p.s., 48 grand and counting)

yeah, blando!

Friday, October 28, 2005

FPDG, in jeopardy

it's boring to even think of much else, so it's time for
the FRIDAY PSEUDO DRINKING GAME!, game-show style.

i've never:
*auditioned or become a guest for a game show
*had a friend on a game show of any kind (defunct or current)
*won something of decent or interesting caliber (like school talent show/county spelling bees/the hearts of many)

per usual, drink if you have.

27 grand what friend jblando has won so far. you're dumb if you're not watching. today, the 20 person party went strong until jeopardy was pre-empted by the sox LANDING AT MIDWAY. who cares? WHO CARES?!? the parade isn't until tomorrow, and friends, i live on the north side. obviously important - but is staring at a tarmack impt to a home viewer? NO!

after many angry phone calls that we like to think made a difference, the show was re-aired at 1:40 am. 10 strong soldiers made it through to watch, and we'll be watching tomorrow.

you should too.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Ladies Love Postal Workers

i went to the post office on ashland between gigs to drop off some packages, and while i was there, i realized i needed stamps as well. a man was behind the counter, a tall, handsome man who looked shockingly similar to a lighter skinned ll cool j -beautiful smile, kind eyes. his counter was open, and i stepped up. i sent my packages and asked if i could see whatever postage they had.

"sure you can," he said, and even though it was early morning, he gave me a once over. i didn't mind because it was very smooth and somehow complimentary, not slimy in the least. "here's what we have," he said, and proceeded to lay each sheet down, deliberately, on the countertop. "native american history, flowers, flags," he mechanically spoke, then said "muppets, awareness, latin dancing". as i was choosing, he secretively said, "you need a black man in your life," and my head snapped up. the pause was long, and i looked him in the eye. then he slyly laid a sheet of arthur ashe stamps down.

i laughed more honestly than i had all that long week.
also, i'm in love with him. thanks, anthony.

my mama ain't got no sox

south chicago should be excited:
the sox are winning big, ending in an exciting 14 inning game this evening (morning).
3-0, y'all. sorry, houst.
people are out of their minds.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

playing games

achieving my dream of being the new brett somers (or rip taylor), great friend rich prouty asked me to play the improv match game last night at io (improvolympic). it was so much fun, a nice departure from average, and it was a lovely audience. if you have a chance to see this show and like the real match game, you will love this show. plus, it actually gives improvisers a chance to be self-indulgent without feeling as guilty.

you have a bunch of chances to support some of those improvisers out there this week; the weatherman, filmed in chicago, is released on friday. should be just fantastic.

and speaking of game shows - even more fantastic, if possible, is joey bland's turn on jeopardy. not to be missed, october 27th is the big day. we're having a party! go here for a sneak preview.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

all around the blackberry bush/the kingston treo

tomorrow, i will most likely buy a new phone.

my phone is making me crazy. i used to love this phone, but now, we are becoming bitter enemies. all incoming calls go to voice mail, and i don't receive probably 25% of my texts. it's awf. hey, everyone get your bit in now about me being text-reliant! and, go! [for those of you who don't text very much, you are the stupes. it is fun. if you have to talk, of course, you should. talking on the phone is fun, too - but texting - on top of being perfect for backstage areas and meetings - well, it's like passing a friend in the hallway in high school and having them slip you a note. that's what it feels like. someday i'll be bored by that, but i'm not yet.]

so tomorrow, after a last ditch attempt to go to the sprint store for an "update" (hmm), i will probably get a PDA phone that costs 7.2 trillion. it's okay; i think i'm ready for this commitment.
just like blackberry, sprint carries treos, which is what i most likely will go with. several people i know love them, others say they are wildly unworkable. this is the only choice i really have there. will i be sorry? tech nerds, are you out there?

strep tea-s

constant fluctuation between hot, temperate, and cold has finally urged on a cold. it sucks, but it was inevitable; it seems like everyone in the world has something - both when in mississipp and back home here, all people i've been surrounded by are sickpuss. it was only a matter of time.

so, i'm nursing it, and it's the perfect day to be sick here in chicago - cold, overcast, and rainy. but there's a problem: in conjunction with taking medicine, i've always wanted to like tea. i mean, i want it bad!, but i HATE it. green and black tea? the worst offenders: it makes me want to lick the dirt to get the taste off my mouf. chamomile? nursing homes smell funny, and so does this. red zinger? no can do - i dyed my hair with it in seventh grade, and the stench haunted me for days.

i've always fancied myself a girl that might make a cup of tea to sleep, to curl up and read with. just now, i made an organic mango citrus, and this may be my best so far. i can also stomach all things mint.

please help me enjoy tea.
The Republic of _ _ _

Friday, October 21, 2005

FPDG; swimfan edition

aww, remember swimfan? that b*tch be crazy!
i'm inspired from my nightswimming post, so -yep, yep, you got it. time for the FRIDAY PSEUDO-DRINKING GAME, Splash style.

i've never:
*cliff-dived into a lake/stream/river
*made out with someone in a pool
*gone skinny-dipping

i sound awesome right now.
remember, tradition still stands - just like the game, you drink if you have!

boomin' granny

to get around this casino complex, you have to take a shuttle. this shuttle is usually occupied with one of three kinds: the drunk 30-something dude, the elderly, or anyone named scooter (really).

i haven't taken advantage of my per diem (read: daily allowance), so on my last morning, i decided to hit the breakfast bar. the buffet is inside the casino. today on an earlier shuttle, it was just me and one older lady, around 75 or so.

after swinging through some hotels en route, we finally came to the casino. "here we are, at the strip club," she said. i chuckled, but obviously looked confused. she winked. "y'see, after this, we'll be lucky to come home with anything."

Thursday, October 20, 2005


this evening, for a while, i was completely silent.

it was beautiful here today - 80 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. tonight, instead of doing much, i went down to the pool and finished my book. no one was out there for most of the time i was. it was the first time - in a long time -that i've been truly quiet, just silent.

i fall asleep to the tv. i am constantly listening to people talk. or performing onstage, or leading workshops, or passingtheclap, or laughing, or listening to white noise of some kind. even my thinking feels like someone's talking, a constant inner monologue of scriptstowrite and whattosaynexts.

but tonight, i lowered my ears under the water for a bit, so all i could hear was the current pulsing through the water, which sounded remarkably like a jet passing overhead. i heard geese honking, flying by. i heard crickets. i heard nothing.

it felt like time slowed down for a little bit.
it ruled.

<---also, something seemed really funny to me about this sign.

steak out

a friendly, playful manager gentleman in my last workshop, just dissheveled enough in a pseudo-tux uniform to be hot, asked me to dinner in his restaurant this evening.

a. i'm in tunica, mississippi (i just figured it out),
b., i just started casually dating some dude,
c. yikes!

what do i do?

books! - check 'em ouuuuut

so, the good thing about traveling is that i've been flying through books on my own, so i get to learn a lot, and now i feel adorably bookish. i've needed page-turners though, because the potential to be bored is already so great. found one.

if you're looking, the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, so far, is coming highly recommended. it's a very easy read, as our narrator is a 15 year old boy with autism. i can't say too much about the book, because giving plot away is dumb, but i can say this - this book is GREAT at making you wonder about the human mind, simply how it works and why. i've never had such a clear understanding of what autism really is.

something notable: the book is wonderful at pointing out metaphor in almost all interactive situations, and letting the reader realize how much we relate in speech that doesn't naturally make sense. you may also wonder how your mind fires, how smart simple fact is, how that can lead to your own questioning about great unknowns - at some point, i guarantee you question how closely you think this way.

any recommends for me? i'm close to the end, here...

p.s., i hope the title of this entry isn't just ohio-specific...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

40 going on 832

yesterday, the coordinator of a buzz session used the word "be-boppin'", twice. you'd be happy, just be-boppin' around! i cringed the first time, and nearly vomited the second.

this is one of those words, awfully outdated and awkwardly unhip, that makes me have a weird feeling in my stomach - like slacks. slacks is one of them. she wore a nice pair of slacks. harf! all i could do was think of her kids, if she has them. mom! stop saying be-boppin'! it's embarrassing!

when do we make the transition to these words and not know they're parent words?
i think it's about the time that you start listening to light rock or smooth jazz in your car.

both hands

today, i got a manicure at the hotel's spa. it was nice, and not something i do very often, but once i have it done i feel way more professional and kind of dolled up. also, it makes me feel like i'm in a chris isaak video.

the woman who was giving me the manicure asked me what i do for a living, and i noticed that i exhaled deeply and said "comedy". i don't know where this weight-of-the-world shit came from - i think it's because said statement opens up a conversation that is usually frustrating thereafter, but come on - i hated myself for a second for being so negative about something i love. her eyes lit up. "you do?", she asked, looking really interested. "wow, i wish i could do that."

we proceeded to sit for a bit and chat. this woman then told me that she grew up with sam kinison, and that his brother was her first love. "they were great people," she said, "and their father was an amazing preacher." i then started wondering how many similarities preaching and comedy had, and that the same skills seemed transferrable, and i liked this.

this woman had lost everything in hurricane katrina, and had moved here about a month ago. she started working here two weeks back, but then her sister got in a car accident and she went home to take care of her. she brought her two daughters here, too. she told me her son wanted to be a comedian when he got older, but her son died at 10 years old, tragically killed in a car accident ironically on the way to his baptism at church.

"sometimes you can just tell when someone has it, and i think he did," she said. "i'm sure he would've been famous," she continued, wistfully looking down at our hands. i smiled, because usually this kind of thing annoys me - obviously, someone being famous isn't within their control; there's just so many things at play - talent, luck, connections, the works.

this time, i kept my mouth shut.
"you're probably right," i said.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

that's what he said

gentlemen, start your bits.

you're it

yesterday, due to some simple misplanning on cabs to the airport, i was running for it at o'hare. luckily, i made it with plenty of time, and everything was fine.

there aren't many things in life that i can't find humor about, but as i was sprinting around in the air-p, nothing seemed good about the situation at all. i became a fumed ital, a rarity these days. i was frustrated, sick, and under-rested, and if i was late, i would f up the first workshop.

i got to the gate and thankfully stood in line. i felt a hand on my back. the hand shuffled down slowly and slipped my tag inside my sweater.

i turned around. it was an elderly woman, about 6 inches shorter than me, really pretty. her husband stood proudly behind her, wearing a bomber flak jacket from '47 and glasses. she winked when i spun around. "thank you," i said. "oh, we all have to help each other out," she smiled.

we sure do.

singing a different tun-ica

so, sunday was one of my only days in town in the week or two.

after my quick stint in dallas for a dave and co. scripted show, i went to columbus over the weekend and got to see my brothers, mom, niece and nephews. really nice, though obviously pretty tainted by several events. we did get to see wallace and gromit - ruled.

sunday was such a nice break from everything. i wasn't in the mood to go when i left ohio, but by when it was time to go, i was ready to go. amazing what running around in a little corn can do for the spirits. i also got to visit a few friends afterwards, too. :)

so now, this week, i'm in tunica. seriously, until i was here at the hotel, i had no idea what state i was in (i think it's mississippi, but am still only 90% on this, and now almost don't want to know). it's just me this week, teaching improv workshops/"buzz sessions" to team members at the Grand Casino, one at 2:30pm, and one at midnight each day. funny. i was dreading this one for weeks, because i'm alone, and because of all the stuff going on... but now, i'm kind of liking the quiet retreat of my hotel room, between zipzapzops.

if you need me, that's where i'll be.
chicagoans, i'm anxious to be back there and settle in for a few weeks.

Monday, October 17, 2005

apples to apples

sunday nights are a perfect night to get the wits/bejesus/piss scared outta ya.

last night, about 20-25 comedysportzers and friends-of went to jonamac orchard, a farm in malta, il.

see this picture to the right? that's 10 acres of corn, friends. the first half (appleseed man and words -"mac Orchard") had clues inside it, called waypoints. the waypoints guided you out of the maze if you solved the problems on them correctly. you also could find checkpoints, which would be milemarkers with hole-punchers on them that showed you found it within the corn.

fun anyway, but what if i told you it was all in the dark?
...what if?

full moon and glow sticks guiding our ways, we began the second half. when you get to the second part - the tree, leaves, barrel, "Jona", and "Johnny Appleseed"- you are warned that this half is haunted. we scoffed, but then heard the roaring of chainsaws and various screams throughout the maze. my group - rich, deanna, and rance - thought we were unscare-able, but were proved wrong at least once a piece, some more than others (deanna, 18x).

best parts?
*Faceless Reaper jumped out at us and scared us about 2/3 through, and then i asked FR for directions. FR was remarkably kind.
*rance tricked us several times by being like, hey, there's nothing this way, turn around - leading us to spin directly into axe murderer
*at the very end, there was a tarp. every one of us was like, look out, tarp!, then a huge gorilla jumped out and attacked us. "there shouldn't be monkeys in corn!", we shouted.

treat yourself and go.

Friday, October 14, 2005

FPDG, the travel edition

was on the plane, and thought- oh no, it's friday! i didn't do the FPDG on my blog!

i've never:
*had my luggage misplaced or lost
*met someone at the gate (remember that?)
*done it amidst travel of some sort - i'm talkin' 'bout doin' it!

remember - drink if you have, friends.

a time to heal

en route to columbus, finally able to see some family after some news.

a while back, i think i said i'd never talk about anything horribly personal here. i talked to a few friends and they thought it'd be nice if i did, and actually went out of their way to state this opinion several times. that's what blogs are for!, they'd say. i guess they are, if you are an anonymous face floating in a sea of twenties (or thirties, i suppose) discontent, but it's not as easy when you're out there, life exposed, self revealed, proverbial slip showing.

however, in a time like this, it seems when i'm not saying much, i'm avoiding saying everything. so yes, it seems like life has been handing out some serious charges this past week or so, but none directly to me, which has felt like a blessing and simultaneously frustrating as hell. my brother is getting a divorce, which is why i travel home today - to see nick, to see the kids, to see my mom and vince, to see if there's any sort of comfort we can stir up in two short days. i feel hopeful that we can, but i also feel like it's a short time to do much but physically check-in. i guess that's something, though, because i'm already mentally checked in.

i've been taking other news to heart back here; one very close friend has lost a parent this week, this friend is possibly one of the best people i've known and i hate being far away as it happens. i don't want to write too much, because i feel like it's not my story to tell. what i've found, personally, is that it's hard to watch someone got through this. i've been on the other side of it, of course, and now i think i get it more. in my head, i've colored myself some resource in this sad circumstance, found myself hoping to buffer any bad things that friend will feel - but have realized that... hey, it's the saddest thing, and really, there's not much you can do but be. so, throughout this, i'm plan to stay as close as i can, at least in spirit to all. this goes for my 2nd great friend, chrissy (love you) for reasons she knows, and amy - who's brother mark hit a kid crossing to a bus stop in columbus, and the kid since passed away; the boy was a child prodigy and had just enrolled at MIT at 15. not that it matters more or less, one life over another, but circumstance seems to have rubbed salt in their wounds.

so, as life's events have compiled for others in the past week or so, i've found myself with the frustrating feeling of simply having your hands tied. this hasn't made me angry, but it's made me feel slightly broken, something i try to avoid and rarely feel; i've questioned more and more what you have the capability of controlling in your life. the answer? well, it seems to be not much. which generally, that's ok for me, but this week it seems that the uncontrollable has been ride of only the tough, not the miraculous. ending treatments and traveling four times in 10 days has added to this feeling, i'm sure, of life being out of my own hands; but, it's a reminder that i know that this is mine and that it's truly all i have.

i trust that in these times that there is ebb and flow; i trust the tidal nature of how we learn to live each day. just waiting for the tide to roll out a bit, and no amount of me pushing it out will ever move that much tide.

so, i'll wade.

love you guys.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


you got drunk-dialed.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

it doesn't take much...

... to get this girl drunk.
typing is hard right now, but i had to check my e-mail for work stuff.
for fun, i won't correct any mistypes here on out.

i remember a time back in college when i had a tloearance of a champion... in fact,i bet that time wasn't long ago, long after. A WHILE back, i remener hanging with the big dogs, drinking a beer or two a night and feeling nothing. it ws a bad time.

now, i'm in dallas,. dallas is pretty okay. iv'e never been here before, but me, lindberg, andf elwell just went to a steakhouse and had great dinners and glasses of whatnots. i had two glases, big glassses, of shiraz. oh boyu. boy. it was enought to put me out of my head.

this week has been hard. really hard emotionally, and i think now i'm the bad exapmle of what someone shouldnt do when they are feeling down, unless, of sourse, they are in check nd know this isn't how they usually deal with things. i don't usually do this, but thiws + being away gort ("for") a bit is a nice escape. and it is, just that, an escape.

i'lltalk more about what';s up veryt soon. proms.

for now, i'm home (home being the marriott), and things are swell. toimorrow we have a show to do for blue cross blue shield, and who knows whagt i'm even saying in it. i think some tongueoin-cheek nonsense about how they do things beter, but who really knows? i don't. corporate comedy, y'all! i son't even know what i'm supposed to know about this company romorrow.


i noticed that one.

before you think i'm drunker than ever, i should note that [people make a lot of typing errors anyway, when you don't correct them.

try it sometime.
throw cautsch to the wind!


Friday, October 07, 2005



in indiana right now, amidst more rallies i wrote for casino-in'; fun and exhausto-ed. but that doesn't mean i have the right to ever skip

[the violence edition]

i never:
*got spanked when i was little
*punched anyone in the face
*gotten slapped

remember, this means i've done all these things (or had them done to me). answer up!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

come and knock on our dooooor

lots of new developments in the last few days.
home has been a sanctuary for the past year or so.

before that, i lived with my wonderful sig oth for several years - mostly happily, but as the end was near, it got really tough. i requested my space, and eventually, i spent some time in a one-bedroom apartment while i navigated through this major breakup - then after, several other wastes of time. despite the toughies, the space i had was mine and made me feel like i knew me better than i had before. that time was so interesting - hard but good time, sort of exhilirating but draining - it was work. when it started, i was anxious for freedom in my renewed space; by the end when i knew i wanted change, i still couldn't imagine what roommates would be like.

then, the perfect opportunity presented itself... me and three lovely ladies had a chance to move in together. despite my hesitancies, i went for it, because it seemed like a window of opportunity that wasn't often at hand. my life has been wildly more easy since - the ladies were wonderful. it was nice to have a home where you decompress by talking over dinners and laughing about your day with someone without needing to plan it. and now within a year's time - believe it or not - i think living alone sounds sort of lonely.

so, as the year has passed, people have had reasons to move or go. beth took a job on the SC boat, floating on the tank doing two shows a week in the bahamas and otherwheres. amanda was next - she decided to move to vegas to do the second city stage out there. megan? she hadn't lived alone in her life, so made the leap to a one bedroom in lincoln park just this past weekend. she's all grown up!

technically, beth is still my roommate, though she doesn't return until january. she's gotten to come home twice since may, and both times have been a blast. beth is the kind of friend you can sit around with, get drunk with, talk with, and do nothing with - just about the best. i'm looking forward to having her here in mid-coldtown months.

so, the living sitch has changed, and our world - well, i guess MY world (and Niles the cat, his too) - has become a virtual revolving door of new entrants.

philip is our subletter - he is currently renting from beth until november 15th. he came here for the io summer intensive back in june, and has stayed to see if he wants to move here for sure.

jon is an improviser, and just took over the back room. jon and i didn't really know each other more than just passing in the street before, but he seems nice. here's what i know: jon's been here about 4 years or so, is on team Rattlesnake High School at io, runs lights for Armando at io on Monday nights, and is a huge white sox fan. jon was born with no sense of smell. this is a fun fact i recently learned, and now i'm dead-set on making him smell expired milk cartons just for sport.

and tim - tim is our newbie. just in today, settling in well. tim was an intern at csz last summer, and this guy has a heart of gold. he's coming here right after college to see if this improv thing is for him. i bet he'll like it a bunch. he just took over the middle room.

so now - now it's gone from a house of babes to a house of dongs, at least temporarily. i miss my girls, but the change is hilarious. i'm hoping for a lot of reasons to bring up these names until beth comes back, what with all the hijinks we'll pull.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

it's not the taste, it's the texture*

water chestnuts are for f*cks.

they were hiding out in some whip-it-up leanish-cuisine i just scarfed.
i mean what i'm saying re: chestnuts. if this makes us enemies, so be it.

here's what else is for f*cks:
mushrooms, specifically button = similar to necking, then biting through someone's earlobe (it's happened!) (it hasn't.)
bamboo, cooked = get out of my mouth, slimebag! (not talking about necking here, though i could be, with some of my less than inspiring or intelligent choices)

i feel fine about:
cottage cheese
(but i understand your stringy/curdish/mealy complaints)

you've got some, i bet.

*this is quickly becoming the 2000s "it's not the heat, it's the humidity".

Monday, October 03, 2005

Paris-es are burning


distraction pulled me here - but i'm glad i went, if only for the final paragraph.

the definition of stalling; v.

*going to the gym
*calling 3 friends from high school, 1 from college, my mom, texting brothers
*mopping for leisure
*playing guitar, not well
*brushing my cat, who seems pro-
*rearranging a bookshelf
*getting ice cream with friend
*downloading music
*visiting chicago chat room on yahoo - why?
*spinning globe and studying world capitals
*lighting every candle i have
*looking at concerts in town this weekend fruitlessly, since i have shows
*thinking about the time i ran into corey feldman at beatnix vintage around halloween
*making carepacks for fam and friends
*wondering if i'd be annoyed by knitting
*finding more comfortable ways to put feet up
*blogging like a douchebag

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenough! i can'tst writes!
comedia, where are you hiding?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

you're my only hope

just because it's halloween, petsmart, it doesn't make it right.

one day, dogs will kill us.

somewhere, the cure is playing

i love people. dumb statement, but it's true: i am that gal who will never get annoyed by a friend stopping by at any point, or who will sit in a car talking in the rain for 3 hours, just because. people watching, talking through things with friends, hanging out - among my favorite things. every minute with a friend is absolutely prized, adored, fascinating time.

now, when i think about being in a relationship with someone - really think about it - i near literally recoil in fear and disgust. it flips me out. casual dating? fine. anything else? creepsville. it scares the shit out of me.

what does this say about me? i'm 29 now. i should care. i don't. i ask about this because i don't think it fits me otherwise. when the world shifts and scope between me and someone else turns from friendly to romantic, i run like the dickens. every one seems cruel and flawed and scary. it's scary.

i've trained myself to break up with people before we even date.
i know it's my decision to hide. i don't know how not to hide.

a lot of things have happened in my life, true. but even so, i don't think of myself as someone with much "baggage". at least, baggage that i've created for myself. my heart is open, there is worth in everywhere i've been before now. why is this such a roadblock? i used to be fearless.

at some point, there will be a human need to re-engage.
how do i get there?

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