Friday, October 14, 2005

a time to heal

en route to columbus, finally able to see some family after some news.

a while back, i think i said i'd never talk about anything horribly personal here. i talked to a few friends and they thought it'd be nice if i did, and actually went out of their way to state this opinion several times. that's what blogs are for!, they'd say. i guess they are, if you are an anonymous face floating in a sea of twenties (or thirties, i suppose) discontent, but it's not as easy when you're out there, life exposed, self revealed, proverbial slip showing.

however, in a time like this, it seems when i'm not saying much, i'm avoiding saying everything. so yes, it seems like life has been handing out some serious charges this past week or so, but none directly to me, which has felt like a blessing and simultaneously frustrating as hell. my brother is getting a divorce, which is why i travel home today - to see nick, to see the kids, to see my mom and vince, to see if there's any sort of comfort we can stir up in two short days. i feel hopeful that we can, but i also feel like it's a short time to do much but physically check-in. i guess that's something, though, because i'm already mentally checked in.

i've been taking other news to heart back here; one very close friend has lost a parent this week, this friend is possibly one of the best people i've known and i hate being far away as it happens. i don't want to write too much, because i feel like it's not my story to tell. what i've found, personally, is that it's hard to watch someone got through this. i've been on the other side of it, of course, and now i think i get it more. in my head, i've colored myself some resource in this sad circumstance, found myself hoping to buffer any bad things that friend will feel - but have realized that... hey, it's the saddest thing, and really, there's not much you can do but be. so, throughout this, i'm plan to stay as close as i can, at least in spirit to all. this goes for my 2nd great friend, chrissy (love you) for reasons she knows, and amy - who's brother mark hit a kid crossing to a bus stop in columbus, and the kid since passed away; the boy was a child prodigy and had just enrolled at MIT at 15. not that it matters more or less, one life over another, but circumstance seems to have rubbed salt in their wounds.

so, as life's events have compiled for others in the past week or so, i've found myself with the frustrating feeling of simply having your hands tied. this hasn't made me angry, but it's made me feel slightly broken, something i try to avoid and rarely feel; i've questioned more and more what you have the capability of controlling in your life. the answer? well, it seems to be not much. which generally, that's ok for me, but this week it seems that the uncontrollable has been ride of only the tough, not the miraculous. ending treatments and traveling four times in 10 days has added to this feeling, i'm sure, of life being out of my own hands; but, it's a reminder that i know that this is mine and that it's truly all i have.

i trust that in these times that there is ebb and flow; i trust the tidal nature of how we learn to live each day. just waiting for the tide to roll out a bit, and no amount of me pushing it out will ever move that much tide.

so, i'll wade.

love you guys.


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