Sunday, October 02, 2005

somewhere, the cure is playing

i love people. dumb statement, but it's true: i am that gal who will never get annoyed by a friend stopping by at any point, or who will sit in a car talking in the rain for 3 hours, just because. people watching, talking through things with friends, hanging out - among my favorite things. every minute with a friend is absolutely prized, adored, fascinating time.

now, when i think about being in a relationship with someone - really think about it - i near literally recoil in fear and disgust. it flips me out. casual dating? fine. anything else? creepsville. it scares the shit out of me.

what does this say about me? i'm 29 now. i should care. i don't. i ask about this because i don't think it fits me otherwise. when the world shifts and scope between me and someone else turns from friendly to romantic, i run like the dickens. every one seems cruel and flawed and scary. it's scary.

i've trained myself to break up with people before we even date.
i know it's my decision to hide. i don't know how not to hide.

a lot of things have happened in my life, true. but even so, i don't think of myself as someone with much "baggage". at least, baggage that i've created for myself. my heart is open, there is worth in everywhere i've been before now. why is this such a roadblock? i used to be fearless.

at some point, there will be a human need to re-engage.
how do i get there?


Blogger S said...

hmmm that was food for thought. believe it or not you do have some issues to work out, we all do - nothing wrong with that, if it wasn't your not wanting to commit it would be sometihing day you will meet someone and before you realise it - why or how - you will want to be with that person, forever. in the meantime - be gentle with other people's hearts...all the best

5:37 PM  
Blogger tara d. said...

this is sound advice. thanks, s! s is from jamaica. welcome!

blogs are insane; cut to reason 8,032 not to post anything more personal than this self-query.

i don't know that i believe all this, though. not to say that these thoughts are platitudes... but, i need something meatier...

when it comes to hearts, i hope i'm the gentlest - but this note is wonderful and something to keep close in times of near-selfishness.

8:27 PM  
Anonymous trace said...

personal is good!
it means you are thinking about stuff, and the more you think about it and write about it the more insight you'll get.. good for you...

like you said... someday you'll need to re-engage... my feeling is that - you'll get there when you want to get there... see?

so, maybe you care more than you think you do? and you know,
maybe realizing you care about making those connections and not knowing HOW to make them is the scary part...more scary than actually being in the relationships...
then again, what do i know?
i know this... I LOVE YOU TO BITS

9:33 PM  
Anonymous trace said...

or... maybe it's the wine?

9:42 PM  
Anonymous trace said...

speaking of wine.... typing that "word verification" thing down there is like a typing breathalizer test.

how do you spell breathalizer?

9:44 PM  
Blogger tara d. said...

i love you a ton, too. you know A LOT! you are a great resource...

hmm... i like when people have opinions... thank you for helping...

p.s., trace, you nailed breathalizer. THIS TIME.

11:30 PM  
Blogger Rance Rizzutto said...

I can think of a good first step. Let me know if I need to mention it or how the back of your car falls into place with it. ;)

(it'll never get old 'til the job is done, and it's clean)

1:40 AM  
Blogger tara d. said...

for the love of god. i can't even open the back of my truck right now, rizzutto! you are a one trick pony.

(not my) junk in the trunk,

8:27 AM  
Blogger tara d. said...

thanks for all the e-s on this, y'all. looks like i've just got to eventually unlearn being scared... but you're proof positive that good things exist. love.

12:19 AM  

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