somewhere, the cure is playing

i love people. dumb statement, but it's true: i am that gal who will never get annoyed by a friend stopping by at any point, or who will sit in a car talking in the rain for 3 hours, just because. people watching, talking through things with friends, hanging out - among my favorite things. every minute with a friend is absolutely prized, adored, fascinating time.

now, when i think about being in a relationship with someone - really think about it - i near literally recoil in fear and disgust. it flips me out. casual dating? fine. anything else? creepsville. it scares the shit out of me.

what does this say about me? i'm 29 now. i should care. i don't. i ask about this because i don't think it fits me otherwise. when the world shifts and scope between me and someone else turns from friendly to romantic, i run like the dickens. every one seems cruel and flawed and scary. it's scary.

i've trained myself to break up with people before we even date.
i know it's my decision to hide. i don't know how not to hide.

a lot of things have happened in my life, true. but even so, i don't think of myself as someone with much "baggage". at least, baggage that i've created for myself. my heart is open, there is worth in everywhere i've been before now. why is this such a roadblock? i used to be fearless.

at some point, there will be a human need to re-engage.
how do i get there?