Wednesday, November 30, 2005

professor defran

yeah! today (thanks to my friend prouts) i got to teach a class at columbia college! i love teaching, and get a chance to do it in improv classes and corporate settings here and there, but a college campus was different and fun. i taught basics to marketing majors to learn 'em on group mind, and played games equipped with steps to force them not to censor themselves while building product together.

also - i wouldn't disappoint; i smoked a pipe and wore elbow patches.

sgt. taggart

tonight, i didn't have rehearsal, so i was given the honor of performing with my improv troupe TAG in their final show of a run at iO. it was a blast. TAG started rehearsing around april - my sweet old roommate, megan, wanted to put a group of people together that she loved, and then she submitted us for second city's unhinged. the show ran there from may-end of june. it was constant fun. then, we got another run at iO, and the fun continued. because of my csz commitment on tuesdays, i've had to stop performing with them for the past two or three months. i had the night off tonight, and we had our last show of 2005, in front of a lovely house. it was lots of laughs.

tag was and is: tim baltz, carrie barrett, jill blanford, paul brittain, megan o'neill, steve waltien, and self. chronicle it, suckas!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

i drive a fast plane

tonight after match game, i got to catch the end of buddy matt chapman's roast at iO. chapman is leaving for amsterdam tomorrow to work with film for boom chicago for a year. it's a great opportunity for him, but we'll miss him. love you, chaps.

sidebar: can the improv community stop having roasts? c'mon, 2004! a new friend of mine mentioned how girls would never do this to each other. it's an interesting point. i know that pam anderson had one, but there's no way she thought of that.

"that time you put your dong in that girl - she was like, hey, where is it?! and then you puked and i thought... well, you'd never looked better. you're a talentless, shit-eating heap."

does tagging "seriously, i'm gonna miss you, buddy" on the end of anything really work in average situations?

but WHO calls it that? who is "they"?

aah, 2:05 am. so we just reached the end of cyber monday, everyone.
that's what they call it.

i want you to find me ONE person (not on the news) who calls it this, without a hint of sarcasm.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

booker T

...the good thing is i finished my book this weekend - extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer. anyone read it? without saying too much, the read is severely thoughtful and intense, and generally paws with the theme (just one amongst others) of never being able to love something more than you miss it.

i hope that's not true -but for me, that's a difficult point to fight.

turkey indeed

you guys, thanksgiving could've been better.
please note this has nothing to do with anyone but me.

the minute i hit the car on wednesdo, i had a fierce headcold. it was pretty bad, but i took a bunch of junk and figured it was going away. it did, but you know what came in it's place?

the stomach flu; douchebag.

i haven't had the stomach flu in years, and it S U C K E D.
i got major hot-flash/chills on thursday evening, like, the strip-down lay on the tile kind of temperature, and then it was over. from 5am on until now (including drive back), i've been sickpuss. i'm not a super whiny cold-getter, but
i'm sickpusssss!

trying to shake it off tonight - watching lots of tv and drinking fluids. quarantined! i suck. suck! i didn't get to see any of my friends from high school, nor was my family nothing but a kind, gentle haze. thank g christmas is only 3 weeks away so i'll get a second chance.

you won't break me and my spirit, stomach flu!
you won't!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

jive turks

myself and two pals (amy and tara) make the trek to columbo this evenin', in crawf's brand new hybrid prias. i hope she plugged it in this morning! (bits!)

love you guys; very thankful for you.

achilles heel

so, i recently signed up at myspace. if you aren't there, go - it's fun, just like friendster. i feel like i don't use these services the right way or something, though. i think you just go there to connect with friends. the reason IIII go there is to understand who people are talking about when they reference a friend or beau i don't know yet. that's useful.

this morning, my high school (Bishop Watterson -go Eagles!) contacted me to become it's friend. inanimate objects and groups can do this, often so you can click it and see who else signed up from there. so, as i adored high school, i approved and clicked to see who else was signed up. a guy named steve who is only 21 or so took a quiz that accompanies these things, so you can get to know him. categories like "left or right handed" and "do you like thunderstorms?" prevail in these types of surveys. one category reads "what is your weakness?", an obviously headier question than some. steve is in ROTC, loves burnettes (sic) and "can't remember!" on how many drugs he's taken. his weakness? our friend steve wrote "emotional stuff", which i haven't stopped laughing at yet.

emotional stuff, man.
noone understands me.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

"this lube is amazing!" an actual line i just said on camera in an industrial film shoot.

a few friends and i went and shot a firestone infomercial for a new oil this morning out in the burbs. i got to yell that line under a bunch of hub-bub, which made my day. or life.

thank you, firestone.

rhythm is gonna getcha

i've recently become addicted to a class called powerflex at bally's. it's a lifting class with a perky instructor, set in time to upbeat, techno-ish type music. you use barbells and weight plates, and are lead to lift, press, and push yourself through a regimented set of exercises. this class is extremely popular, both because you can work at varied levels, and as it tends to fall exactly when america gets off work.

you know how some people have a big problem with rhythm? it's super common, some people can't feel it, and it's totally understandable. my problem is exactly the inverse. i cannot do anything out of time. i feel pulses in everything i do; i just had a conversation with one of my musical directors about this, about how i can't keep off-rhythm time.

because of this "good"-rhythm thing, i am always in time with the techno-y music, and the instructor, who is great at keeping the right time per count with music, no matter if the count varies. inevitably, though, i will be stuck next to a girl who does not have sense of beat, who will do reps out of sync.

but she is forgiven, as this is a normal problem.

the girl i hate is the second kind who does this, who does not convince me she has bad timing, but wants to convince me that she is SO good that she'll race through reps/jump the gun, like "i know what's coming assholes, ha HAAAAA!", instead of just staying in time. i hate you, that girl. stay in time! we all get it! you are a stupid know-it-all! we know that upright rows are here, you fuck! you are throwing off my biorhythms! brain does not compute! drum machine robot malfunctioning!

Monday, November 21, 2005

gluten madness

it's 2:29 am, and this guy is still awake. i did a show, i read half a book, i watched the beginning of 24:season 2, and now, i'm here. i think it's all the gluten. it must be. so, glutentag.

sometimes i'm required to watch my gluten intake during certain periods. essentially, for you novices, gluten just means bread. kind of. bready things. people who have a condition called celiac disease have to avoid it all the time (i don't have this), but the ingredients can interfere with some of the things i've gotta go through.

now, today i was told that gluten is back on, so i went gluten crazy. it was glutennacht. glutennacht, coincidentally, is also the night of broken glass. back: unintentionally, everything i ate today had something glu-ey in it: golden grahams (delicious), spicy basil with tofu from penny's (dreamy), and straight glue (better than you'd think). that's normal, right?

now, after this no-doze of sorts, i do think that sugar intake has a bigger effect on me than i would've known. it makes me consider giving up gluten - or at least, cutting it back.

something about me likes food restrictions. or really, any restrictions, to be honest. there's some game in it - like, being told you can't eat anything orange for a week. okay, sure. let the games begin. like this: a friend of mine, joanna - well, actually a few friends - have tried/are contemplating trying this fasting thing for three days. it's gotten a lot of press lately, actually, because i think it's a poor-man's cleansing technique. i believe the ingredients are lemon, water, honey?, cayenne pepper, and something else. one tear from a virgin? something like that. anyway, after those three days, you're supposed to experience a high of sorts - maybe like a runner's high. here's what i say: go take a run, friend. are you ready to elect yourself to go bat-shit crazy in three days time? if you think you're ready, then you're probably already there.

still, something sick in me wants to try it. there's no reason, it's just to see if i can. i like mental and physical tests. maybe i have something to prove.

wanna fight?

Friday, November 18, 2005

fpdg; the thanksgiving edition

it's the week before t-gives.

tell me:
*one thing you're thankful for
*one thing you've wished on this year that hasn't come to fruition, and if that's good or bad
*your typical turkey day celebration

it's not "i never", but you'll drink for all three. lushes.

the stars at night, are big and bright

was down in dallas this week for dave and co; did a really fun corporate show down there with friends eric, matt, and robyn. nice. our internet has been down around this joint now that i'm back, but i think it'll be better today... so i'll be back for the fpdg asap.

Monday, November 14, 2005

double dare

i've been on edge a little lately; mostly because of circumstance and feeling a little seasonally affected, i'm sure. i don't know if it's evident or not in my disposition for the novice, but i can tell it in myself. i'm trying to while away the time, as it were, through these semi-bleak days, by doing average things people do: reading, going to the gym, coffee-ing with friends, conscientious reflection.

a hilarious waste by-product of this shortened fuse and sad-sack facade is the following: i have no qualms about saying what little things bother me aloud, for all the world to hear. not passive-aggressively, not confrontationally, but a third way: with a smile and almost as if a friend had dared me to do it. it's been refreshing and makes me feel invested in some fake game that exists only with one competitor. or two: me and my cajones.

like, two weeks ago. two weeks ago i was in line for a flight with america's screamingest buckeye fan (tm). this guy, this guy was probably 25 or 30, dressed head to toe in scarlet and grey. this man had no idea that the people around him were enabled with no hearing loss. everyone around me was wincing at this man, who was talking at anyone who would listen about what he saw on sportscenter last night. he sucked. he sucked so much.

because of this, i vowed to self that i would sit as far away from him as possible on the flight. it was southwestern, so i got to pick my seat. however, i got on the flight, and the only desirable seat was on an aisle with him cattycorner from me. i took it.

screamingest fan only got worse on the plane, if only to hear himself over the motor. i sat next to a business traveler, who had the disposition of my mom's brother, gene - a quiet, kind, polite man who has been through more than his disposition would acknowledge. as screamingest yammered on, and we sat silently, i finally boldly barked

"be louder!"

and the plane's passengers erupted in laughter, including my cohort, pseudo-gene. "thank you," he said. "i just transferred flights with that man, and he's been like this the whole time."

well, then it was on. if pseudo-gene was in, so was i, and since then, i've been doing it left and right. usually, the formula of be-blank-er! tends to work fine, even if it's not those exact words. "yeah, uh-huh, more like that" is one that i've said a handful of times, when i disapprove of something said. this has typically happened in shows, but i think i'll try to wave that banner out there more in real-time. i don't want the affect to get too spade-ian (i.e., david spade), but it's definitely bordering that now.

even this weekend, while i was reffing a CSz show downtown at a pre-holiday party holiday party, i asked one of my standard ref-"gets": you go to your desk drawer, you open it up - you reach in and find a ____. 90% of the time, i will get stapler, even though nearly everyone keeps a stapler on top of their desks. the other 10%, it's a post-it. this time, it was "condoms".

me: (annoyed) what?
her: condoms!
me: (more annoyed) in your desk drawer?
her: (drunker) CONDOMS!

yeah, uh-huh... more like that.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


watch it, tonight. sure to be edited insanely, and your chance to see some comedysportzers.
9pm cst, 10 est. MTV. yep. i'll post more after you see it, if necessary.

when life hands you lemons

heard this yesterday, and you may have heard by now - a 31 year old man has been arrested for poisoning his wife. officials say he gave her gatorade with antifreeze in it for a period of 5-6 months. what kind of twisted, maniacal f*ck do you have to be...?

there's articles here and here - but for the creepiest one, you should probably look here, where the accused ominously holds a glass of yellow gatorade in his photo.

worse yet, he wrote a blog about it.
to my knowledge, the blog has been removed today.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

congrats, blackdog!

dear friend pat gallen proposed to lovely girlfriend nicole while on a trip to ireland last week. many, many congrats to the newly engaged coup! the esteemed pat gallen, additionally, is one of the nicest guys in improv. he is a guy's guy who loves his betty friends; those betties happily make room for nicole, now ultimate betty.

love you guys.

Monday, November 07, 2005

goal: more confetti than rip taylor

it's late notice, chicago, but if you have nothing to do tonight, come see the improv match game! it's a fun time for sure, and prouty is quite the host. 10:30 at iO theatre.

battleprov shout-out

5 shows this weekend, mostly really fun. sidebar: i have to give a shout-out to a program i was pretty doubtful of, battleprov. it's a program at csz where active students and grads of the training center (and possibly friends-of?) can audition to compete each sunday in a bracket style competion with short form games. it's pretty close to csz, but isn't -uh, exactly.

the teams have a lot of love for the game, and are just excited to play on the mainstage. they take some fun risks that we don't often take in the cast shows, and are playful and fun to be around. it's a good reminder to be thankful for what i've got and to branch out a little, even in front of audiences of 200. i've been lucky enough to ref 3 or 4 of these shows in the past 5 weeks. thanks, dudes. it's been fun. get your learn-on and keep up the good work!

remember 2002?

i don't all the way, but apparently i was too busy missing the best show created, 24. thank you, netflix - i'm hooked. tell me nothing, i'm only on 8am of the first day. i'm also hooked on kiefer sutherland (again), and richard burgi (fake alan york). who knows why. dangerous!

i never got it about elisha cuthbert, and now i do. she's scrappy, smart, and has a huge rack. ok. i'm in.

real time, y'all.

Friday, November 04, 2005


eep! it's 2:48. hang in there, world!
it's time for the FPDG, rubdown theme.

i've never:
*gotten a professional massage
*made out with someone at a massage parlour (i said it!)
*gotten completely naked in company of strangers (yes, gyms count)

these always make me feel infinitely more interesting than i am.
drink if you have!

[also, when you're done, please fill out the map thing below. 23 of you have come here since i posted that. i'm wAtcHinG yOu.]


this is for you dayjob fools; waste some time.
*can you eat this pie in 15 bites? (thanks, howie.)
*68 different people a day come to this site - who ARE you?
lurkers, please tell me where you're from!
*go shopping: threadless is a dope-ass t-shirt company here in chicago. i just bought the "let the rabbit eat" shirt - a shout out to that trix dude finally gettin' some.

smack it up, flip it

tonight was dear friend rance's birthday. a few of us gathered over at rance and deanna's for cake, an extremely fun game of celebrity, and the inevitable donkey konga. happy 34th, friend.

preceeding that, though, i went and got a massage at a thousand waves here in chicago. i've been several times, and can't endorse this place enough. they have a program for cancer patients (and those with blood disorders) that allows you healing massage gratis. amazing. if you need this service, or just want a massage, support this establishment. not to mention - the place has a hot tub, a steam room, a sauna, and a "dojo" that you rest in post-massage. (there are even little sleeping cots!)

bar none, tonight was probably the best massage i have ever had. it was amazing. super healing, very relaxing, and i was worked, y'all. afterward, i had (what i hope was adorable) sleep-face, what little kids look like when they stumble down for saturday cartoons. s'nice.

in the dojo, there are tons of books and papers that you can look at as you are enforced after to "drink lots of fluids", like water or tea. [tea update: this place has one of the only teas i like, yogi's lemon ginger. try it.] anyway, tonight i snagged a book that would typically lie within a woman's retreat; a tribute to women across the ages, their pictures in stone and paint, the women strong and beautiful and broad and narrow and different. this quote inside, flanking a picture of one of the women:

"You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose"

and for some reason it struck me as particularly nice, though it is just a typical platitude you'd find in one of these kinds of books. it felt like it was a little fortune written just to me.

and now, hopefully, it's a fortune for you too, should you need the same.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

it's in my queue

should be a slogan on a graphic tee. or at least an advert.

netflix is consistently worth it. have any recommendations as my queue thins? for you, please rent this movie:
me and you and everyone we know

put that in your queue and smoke it.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

you had time if you didn't know, major congrats to joey, who won 50,200 in total on jeop!

that means he made this page,
and hopefully means he and lovely wife heather can downpayment on a condo/go traveling/spend it all on snocaps.

symbolic of halloween, a zombie-ish machine of knowledge won yesterday's show. she was nicer and actually fell off her podium today as she won an inordinate amount of money, so i like her fine.

give JB some props!

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