ladies and gentlemen,

dave gaudet.

i don't know why it's not constantly funny, these costumed bits. it should be insanely funny all the time. here's just two times it struck me as nuts, while i had my cam phone on me: dave waiting to go on as "Dusty DeCanter", lounge singer, and Dave getting bald-capped for Dr. Phil. Or O'Reilly. Does it matter? he's fucking wearing a sheath on his scalp. this is gold.

god, isn't nassau beautiful?

i saw this, in nassau.

well, this, and in 19 minutes, a soap shop, a place that sold cubans, 14 women that wanted to braid my hair, and a guy who rented mopeds. oh yeah, and a guy with one of the braiding women who said he'd like to treat a white girl like me right, then made a sucking sound a la "fava beans and nice chianti" at me.





i thought about it.

home sweet barf

this is my adorable little cabin, M208, a lovely place to stay.

every night when we returned back to our rooms, our steward would make little towel designs to make you feel at comfortably at home (and probably to show off, let's be honest). i came back from the gym and came home to my favorite, a swan. mike's favorite was one that looked like a huge vag; regrettably, not pictured. but you know what? you think about that vag towel today, and tell me what you think it was "supposed" to be. we still don't know.

look, ma! arrrr-en't ya proud?

the Fascination had a closed-circuit tv in each room that carried certain programs on loop - notably, lindsay lohan's "Just My Luck", a weird movie with Cynthia Nixon and Bradley Whitford as the parents of a likable but dramatic lovestraught boy - anyone?, and this, our pirate video. as the days went on, i got considerably more sexed up (like the post below), but in our video for the passengers shot before boarding, i am a vision as Captain Morgan. it made us all laugh to do these videos, hear ourselves be quoted all over the ship, and stand directly next to someone while they'd have no idea you were the pirate. thanks, wig ups. you're really something.

in the mornin', in the evenin'

...ain't we got fun?

my last big gig was on a - yup - carnival cruise line. the FASCINATION, to be exact, sailing from Miami to Key West to the Bahamas and back. i'd never been on a cruise before, and i was eager to see how my ol' sea legs would fare.

now, for those of you that wondered if i replaced someone at SC for a bit on a boat, no. i didn't. i was offered a boat a while back but for a barrage of reasons, didn't think it was a good fit for me right now, though - what a cool gig. anyway, that said, i like sailing, and i like performing, so even though i know four months on a SC boat seemed long, i used this as sorta a testing ground to see if in a different world i'd like it.

the carnival ship was completely rented out by a company for a corporate reward to their service stars. i went with dave and co, namely dave, cayne, and old dog but new to DCo mike shreeman. it was a stressful week, full of 13 hour days of tech and rehearsals with executives, but we still managed to squeeze in some fun.

when i stepped onboard ye olde Fascination, i felt the ship immediately. like, right away. i have never been motion sick in my life so i believed it was a fluke, but um... we were docked. whatever i felt routinely subsided as i looked at a horizon, so it was all just fine if i could get to a deck (see: my tan).

for the active part: on this cruise, we played in sketches, custom scenes and breakout meeting as very specific characters. in just a wee bit of time, i was a pirate captain, a drag-queeny pit boss, a cowgirl, and (gulp) barbara walters. (bwalts - regrettably not pictured, but you see some others here.) somehow, by the grace of G, all these went ridiculously well, got lots of corporate laughs ("isn't working here CRAZY?"/ boomboomClap!, boomboomClap!), and the execs who joined us in nearly every scene did their jobs well too. Yes.

as we reached the final night on the ship, we hit our worst weather and sailing. cayne, mike and i went to the toppest deck to feel the wind, and within minutes were told the decks were being roped off due to dangerous clipping and throttling (that's what it's called, right?). still, after a very long, long week, we were all ready to relax and wind down a bit, so we decided to drink. this was dumb and smart. it's a paradox, see. it was dumb, because drinking when you're already a little rocky is risky; it was smart because carnival decided to turn off the stabilizers (whoooOOOOoooa!) and gun it back to miami overnight on our last night, which lead to a lot of stumbling that just looked like sheer stumbling.
as i went to bed in my glorious twin and my mini bar slid back and forth across my desk, i just pretended i was in a hammock in the bahamas i didn't really see. it helped. a little. there's no place like home.

i'll try anything twice.

the in-between

before easter and my corp gig (coming soon) and after first columbus trip to see friend chrissy - i spent some time with amy and tara at their condo. amy and tara are among my favorite people in america, and were really nice to me when i was feeling sick about three weeks back. i stayed with them one night and we watched awful tv (pussycat dolls, thank you very much) and then about two hours of brokeback. just recently, this made me laugh in retrospect because i like to think that a&t are a parody of lesbians across america now: owning three cats, fourteen litter boxes, driving a prius, and wearing indigo girls hoodies. i like everything about it. tara, i know you read this. go put on your hoodie. my secret dream next time is to come to your condo, open like, a linen closet, and be engulfed from head to toe in L Word tchotske or something.

let's go to t's.

hot bunns

you know, i think i posted a few of these last year, but rance gave us a photo shoot around easter. one is of us "drunk" at easter dinner, others are of in our gear as "clarence, the springtime bumblebee" and bunnies. insane. worth a revisit. 2006, y'all. thanks, rancerizzutto.com!

seriously, nephews

...stop reading this, or you'll learn a lot of harsh realities (about easter, and if you read two posts earlier, insane women regarding boning).

another year, another dollar. i got the lucky job of being the easter bunny this year for a few days at macy's through csz. i was paired up with rance and deanna this year, who got to be - yup, you guessed it! - connie the chicken and nutbag the steer.

as said bunny, you cannot talk - you just do a lot of dancing around and tossing newborns with your slippery, lawsuit-pending velveteen hands. there's only one airhole in that mascot head, so, needless to say, it's pretty rough in there. i passed out a few times until the spirit of easter hit me - a little girl at our farthest table, bum-rushing me over and over again, telling me how much she loved the bunny. she was a beautiful little girl i think named annalisa, wide-eyed, probably 7. an older girl (12?) who was clearly over it passed right by me and didn't give a hoot about the bunny, and the little girl i loved saw it. "hey!", she said to the other girl. then she turned to me and deanna and said, "does that hurt your feelings?" i almost cried a litts until she looked like she was going to punch the old bag, so then i just danced around (pretending that i didn't want to see that fight). she had already ripped out her earrings and put vaseline on her cheeks, so, you know.

ah, easter.

easter bonnets

went home for easter to columbus. it was a short stint, but it was super fun. i went home early sat morning to sunday evening, saw my nephs and niece and bro-hams and their girlfs and my momski. they're all awesome. we dyed eggs and drank and watched youtube clips and played scrabb. a very '07 easter, i'd say, considering we never drank when i was younger and youtube didn't exist. went to cath church on sunday, obvs you've heard how i feel about that (conflicted), but the mass was pretty and my mom seemed happy, the most important thing.

my nephs dressed up BIG TIME for easter which was ADORABLE, little alex p. keatons in their frat blue blazers. my neph anthony decided he loved coffee that day, and we laughed at him being executive joe. it was just his bday a few days ago. 13. come on. i'm 921 years old. happy birthday, anth, if you're reading this. if you are, you shouldn't be, so don't tell me you read this. i'll ground you.

alright, here we go

they're coming. posts, i mean. ready?

he just c*m up in your brain.

look.
this isn't safe for work in any way.
i have a lot to write about regarding the past few weeks, but...
yeah.
this is unmissable.
please don't miss.

(thank you, arnie.)

chicags. back. missed you. and didn't.

i have been gone for the past two weeks or so, in and out of town (entries pending). leaving here usually seems sad or whatever, but in both these cases, it wasn't really. i wondered during these trips if i needed a little bigger break from the city. i love it here, but i'm starting to wonder if my usual-chipper self has something like SAD or something. how dumb, but maybe. really more than ever.

it's nice to be back now... but i still think i need a big vacay to shake off some blues.

thanks, america

this was forwarded to me a few times in the past two days. isn't it ironic?