Tuesday, March 14, 2006

in a bad place

first off, nothing big is wrong. so, thanks to that.
when i started writing this thing a while back, i was determined for it not to be very personal. well, you know what? that was sort of stupes. i mean, i'm not going to dump everything - but this is a blog, right?, so - maybe people reading this are interested in the stuff i've been through, and processing where they're at, too.

over the years where something has been severely wrong - and i mean, heavy stuff, i've felt better than i do at certain periods where not much is wrong. am i wired wrong, or wired right? is my body on defense, telling me i can tackle huge things but to certainly sweat the small stuff? how dumb. or smart.

lately - the past few days, i've been struggling a little. i just feel sadski.
i hate to even say this out loud, because i think i'm viewed a certain way here, and i think i just broke some dreams out there. i hope i didn't. everyone gets sad, right? it'll go away. that's the good thing - you always come back to good.

technically, lots of things are going really well. i love my friends and family, projects and career are thriving, health is good. so why then am i "in a bad place"?

instincts tell me that i'm dealing with change. when the new year kicked in this time around, i was cognizant that this year would bring a lot of change for me. i have a friend who is uber-supportive, who has constantly been telling me that This Is My Year. so, i'm doing my best to live up to that claim. i feel it. that's sort of neat, but change is scary, too. what if it isn't good change? what if it's good change that i can't handle?

recently, i've been frustrated with people, frustrated by situations, frustrated with performing, frustrated with dumb things like weather, frustrated with lack of time, frustrated, frustrated, f r u s t r a t e d. i hate it, because i don't think of myself as someone who thrives that way, you know? it's certainly human to be frustrated, but what's the right amount? what's a normal amount to sit with, to doubt, to work through? what amount of frustration reminds you that you need to DO something for yourself, and what amount makes you feel broken?

man, it's a lot of things.
i think what may be happening is that i'm slightly overwhelmed. i am OVERWHELMED by medical debt, something that i think about a thousand times a day, and how an actor's life isn't that condusive to getting unburdened by it. i am OVERWHELMED by the opportunities i have been given in my professional career, and want to honor those opportunities by doing my absolute best. i am OVERWHELMED by how much love i have to give and how there is absolutely no time for a personal life or dating that fosters healthy relationships*. i am OVERWHELMED by how much shit falls on my car from the el tracks. (true.)

[*we will re-visit this another time.]

so, i know the burden falls squarely on my shoulders to make sense of the overwhelming. all these things can be reshaped into positives if you look at them the right way - all except the car. seriously, what IS that shit?

you too?
are you acing it?


Blogger rn_buffoon said...

You should try being one of us Others; the ones who always seem to be negative depressed paranoid etc. I'd say on the surface you're doing better than most Tara d- that's why I read your blog- most of the time you just seem happy, which is always a welcome change from how i feel/view life much of the time.

And hey; It's Your Year and it's March already. Enjoy.

7:26 PM  

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