Sunday, February 19, 2006

the other shoe

i have a problem, i think. growin' up is hard to do, so i'm exploring some vulnerabilities that aren't just under the surface, that maybe one wouldn't expect of me.

i am consistently haunted, waiting for the other shoe to drop. weird, because if you know me, you hopefully think i am a pretty hopeful person - and, well, to be honest, i am. so why am i always secretly waiting for something bad to happen?

this weekend, for instance. man, what a great weekend. nothing insane to note, just a lot of fun friend hangtime, personal mini-conquests, health is good (!), and great, great shows. 5 of them. in a row.

that's weird, right?
i mean, the odds are against you, if you're a gambler.

maybe it's just that it's average weird, and that's made me think of bigger things, sort of out-loud, to myself. and that i believe in life-balance to some degree - that things get better, and things get worse, and things eventually get better again. that's the good of life, and why i consider myself an optimist instead of the opposite. i typically trust things will get better than worse. i like living that way.

but i know one of the moments that has shaped my life for the foreseeable forever, and i pray that it's stupid, but it's led to hidden dramatic loads of superstition.

picture it: i'm sophia, from golden girls. no, no, for real, this is big, so... picture it: days before christmas, 1993, i was driving in my nissan sentra by riverside hospital, where i was born, where i candystriped for years, where my grandma had heart surgery, where my grandpa had grown very ill and passed. i looked over at the hospital, on my right, and consciously mused to myself. no one has died this year, i thought. that's amazing. since my italian side of the family was so huge, i grew used to going to funerals about once a year, typically between october and december. though a sad gathering, it gave you a reason to reunion and appreciate your family and what you had left. i drove away from the hospital and looked back in my rear view mirror.

two days later, my dad - one of the best - died.
i went there after midnight on that 2nd day, rushed there to my family and saw him, in an extremely unglorious fashion that has been tattooed in my - and my loved ones - collective brain.

now, you can argue some things: i knew, i felt it coming. i had a vision. i cursed myself. circle of life, hakuna matata, any of these, any of these - and at points, i thought all of those (well, not really hakuna - get real, it means no worries!). then, through my pugeot stages and months of playing tough-guy-i'm-okay, i thought none of them. i slowly slipped into feeling numb for a while, as you're apt to do at 17 anyway. but then, i became neurotically ocd, fearfully knocking on wood at first, and coincidingly holding several faded attempts at disgruntled asides with an outdated version of td's god.

the above comment alone could spurn endless conversation on what i believe, if i believe it, and why i've always thought it's important to believe in SOMETHING, even if the something is simply something good in yourself. there is no feeling more isolating than thinking nothing good exists, so i hope that you believe that something does, for your own sake. oprah says remember your spirit! and she's right about everything! (barf)

that's a big story. and, a personal one, but it's important, see, because it's played a HUGE part in shaping who i am. it has made me insanely appreciative of each day, and each person i ever encounter. you know how i'm really happy when i see you? i really feel that happy to see you. life is a celebration. it deserves no less in my book. i never want to regret not being that happy to know someone each and every day. or, greet the day with that, as much as i can without being a caricature. you betta recognize.

the bad part? when it comes to times when most is looking up, is it inherent, humanly, to think something will soon be looking down? even in times like these, where things are just nice? i believe there's got to be a better way to frame that thought - you know, dress it up, slap some lipstick on it; like life comes in waves and tides, and moons wax and wane. that's much better than thinking we're doomed when things are consistent, or (heaven forbid!) doomed when they should rule.

it's complicated, this ride.
i like rides, though.
i think.
don't drop that shooooooooooooo ooo oooooooooo e!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is beautiful.

2:56 PM  

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