kid fever II / not quite dead inside

i spoke too soon.
went on a csz4kids remote today to a preschool in naperville, about an hour away. all the kids were 3 or 4 years old, super tiny. and my clock? ...it suddenly ticked.

uh-oh.
this is only the second time in history where i feel like that has ever happened.

today, this little girl named sarah came up to play a game called audience sfx. in this game, the audience volunteer - in this case, a little one - gets to hold a mic and make a bunch of noises in it that fit (or don't fit) a scene. she was really shy, so by the end of the explanation, to the other players i said something like "you know what guys? i'm gonna stay here with sarah." she seemed nervous, so i wanted her to feel safe. whenever something would happen in the scene, like a dog running by or something, i'd lean to her ear and say "what sound would a dog make?" - and she'd shyly bark into the mic, then look at me for approval. "good, that was perfect!", i'd say. by the end of the game, she was curled up in my arms and i was hugging her, while she made tiny sounds of doors opening, cats meowing, windows closing.

talk about windows closing.
too dramatic... i'm young. life has changed a lot for me in the past year or so. just makes you think a lot. so, just how do people have kids in my field? women... how does this work? does it work? do you compromise? it's not pending, but i guess it just confuses me.

is there a way to have both lives?

i think there's a need for a distinction here: kids are always cute. i love kids. my nephews and niece, especially, RULE. they are fun, sweet, funny, polite, kind, and smart. but re: kids in general throughout life, i've had a more gutteral reaction to other things. like puppies. this isn't a bit. and i'm sure there is something to that: i think it's because i felt like i could have one, and when i saw one, it wasn't just cute, it was something i wanted or could have. kids never did that to me. now, i am not ready, nowhere near. far from. relationships still scare the hell out of me. but all the sudden - kids seem like something i'd like someday again.

well, at the very least...
it's safe to say the grinch's heart grew three sizes this day.