memorex and memory

realized something today, as i was continuing to cram for my three scripted gigs this week. for however much theatre or singing or whatever i've done, i just realized how little i've had to memorize. or, at least, how out of practice i am.

in my life, i've never been viewed as "the ingenue". for a girl, sometimes, that's hard to take - especially when you're 16 and you just want to have a solo song in anything goes. i had a teacher in high school tell me that - though i was "smart, pretty and intuitive", i was "too big to be a lead" in some play i was in. that moment unasked for effectively tainted my self-esteem for a long time. notice i said "tainted, and not "ruined". i'm lucky enough to mostly be wired the right way in that regard - i'm proud of who i am, and retroactively flip that teach the bird. still, i certainly felt sad sometimes, not because of what i am, but because i've always felt capable, and always felt like i never had a chance. hurtful things said, sad things, things no one should hear when they're wide-eyed & dreaming.

however, i lucked out, because something in me - for the most part - is wired to not want it, anyway. i've always played the-wacky-best-friend, or the sidekick, the fun neighbor or the comic relief. moreover, i've reveled in that, and i love it. guess what? Janey LoveInterest is a Z-fest, and Lady FunTown is funtown, so you lose, assholes. if you work hard and do your shit, practice your timing and read your audience, then people will always remember FunTown. sometimes, rarely, not being viewed some traditionally great way can be very painful and hard to take; but overall - those painful moments sometimes shape you for the better, and those experiences helped me realize how important and awesome other things can be; it convinced me more of what i wanted to do with my life.

and now. now. now i work at the best places in comedy in the WORLD (holy shit!), and that stuff is revered, it's celebrated. and SC - the scripted one? well, guess what, friend? that funny role? it's the main thing now. lines just got a whole lot longer. suddenly, i have a lot more to memorize than one does as Eulalie McKecknie-Shinn.

ol' in-and-out sally here has to learn some practical tools for keeping that stuff in her head; generally, i just feel lucky to have that challenge now.

you can have both.
a challenge in scenework, along with the amazing energy and connection that comes with comedy.

just to show these things never go away all the way, the 16 year old me is choked up even writing about those things. something in me, though not always forefront, is still vulnerable and tender-hearted when it comes to this.

so for her - a stiff upper lip;
maybe i'm no ingenue, and maybe i'm a size 12, and maybe i played sports, and maybe i take control now and then, and maybe i make jokes, and maybe i'm not coquettish, and maybe i have something to do and something to fucking say, and maybe that's just fine.

take that, Sharon Alloway.