permission to speak frankly?

...i am bummed lately. i don't know what is going on with me. though thanksgiving was very nice, i think not seeing my fam and going home really affected me. i have really been in the dumps. unmotivated, down. sleepy. bored.

everyone is allowed times like this, but i really pride myself on being pos and upbeat most the time, even in the face of adversity or whatever. so why now?

something that has really affected me this week is something sort of small, but big to me.

recently, i've joined two things that i'm super excited about joining. armando - a long-running improv show on monday nights featuring monologists and a montage of scenes, with several of chicago's top improvisers in it. i've also recently joined baby wants candy for their current run - they do improvised musicals from beginning to end with a live band. very talented cast as well. these two things were two of the FIRST shows i ever saw in chicago and was yearning to be a part of. and now, i am.

there's something full-circle about it. before, i felt honored and electrified to sit in with both and do my best and play - and i still do!, but now, something about it is getting me down. many of these people are real veterans - people i saw when i came and laughed at. i guess i'm just having doubts about things right now. am i really good enough to do these things? are there other things to look forward to, now that those resolutions have been achieved (or started)? what am i fucking doing? is there anything out there that you've felt like that about?

my hope is that - well, whatever little gray cloud is hovering above me for whatever reason - it will clear and i will know that i'll feel competent and excited again. i feel so lucky... but other important things to feel in performance is the desire and self-worth to be able to actually do the shows you looked up to and watched, even if you have to fake the confidence for a bit.