Tuesday, November 28, 2006

permission to speak frankly?

...i am bummed lately. i don't know what is going on with me. though thanksgiving was very nice, i think not seeing my fam and going home really affected me. i have really been in the dumps. unmotivated, down. sleepy. bored.

everyone is allowed times like this, but i really pride myself on being pos and upbeat most the time, even in the face of adversity or whatever. so why now?

something that has really affected me this week is something sort of small, but big to me.

recently, i've joined two things that i'm super excited about joining. armando - a long-running improv show on monday nights featuring monologists and a montage of scenes, with several of chicago's top improvisers in it. i've also recently joined baby wants candy for their current run - they do improvised musicals from beginning to end with a live band. very talented cast as well. these two things were two of the FIRST shows i ever saw in chicago and was yearning to be a part of. and now, i am.

there's something full-circle about it. before, i felt honored and electrified to sit in with both and do my best and play - and i still do!, but now, something about it is getting me down. many of these people are real veterans - people i saw when i came and laughed at. i guess i'm just having doubts about things right now. am i really good enough to do these things? are there other things to look forward to, now that those resolutions have been achieved (or started)? what am i fucking doing? is there anything out there that you've felt like that about?

my hope is that - well, whatever little gray cloud is hovering above me for whatever reason - it will clear and i will know that i'll feel competent and excited again. i feel so lucky... but other important things to feel in performance is the desire and self-worth to be able to actually do the shows you looked up to and watched, even if you have to fake the confidence for a bit.


Blogger rn_buffoon said...

Hey Tara

I think the fact that you will be working with veterans shows that these people have heaps of both talent and longevity in a career you'd know only too well is hard to succedd at; that they have is proof that they are good/great at what they do...

Sounds like you're in for an amazing experience with these guys. Just go with it- and your entire mood will lift I bet!

1:58 AM  
Blogger eileen said...

Of course your good enough! Maybe you don't see it for yourself, but I'm sure all the veterans do. Why else would they want to work with you?
Keep your chin up, kiddo :)

8:12 AM  
Blogger eileen said...


I need coffee.

8:13 AM  
Blogger tara d. said...

aw, hey you guys! i wasn't fishing. i'm truly just in my head. i know improv is fun and it'll all be fine. anonymous, i know by your ip that you are adorable.

12:47 AM  
Blogger tara d. said...

where'd it go? well, whatev.

12:49 AM  
Anonymous Tom said...

. . . and Alexander looked about him in all directions. North. East. West. South. And then he sat. And wept.

There were no worlds left to conquer.

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Nick said...

You are the best!!! I love you - cheer up. I got an email from mom, and she had goat soup and lamb meatballs on T-gives, in a tent in Tangiers?!? What the???!??!?

5:11 PM  
Anonymous graci pants said...

I totally know what you're going through, T. I felt the same way at one point in Chi-town. Although I loved it there, it was eventually the main reason why I left and moved to LA - more to explore and reach for...less of the same. Eventually there's a difference between being busy and progressing. But right now it doesn't sound that way for you...it sounds like you're still on the rise. So, enjoy the "rising" you wonderful bird!

2:05 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I love you.
so much.
can't wait to hang tonight.
I needs me some girl time.
love you love you

2:15 PM  

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